i need an iv and a liver transplant
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
