i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
