I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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