it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
