He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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