I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
