someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
