I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
