The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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