i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
