All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
