Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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