Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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