Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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