I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
