you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
