You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
