I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
