I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
