She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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