3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
