Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
