my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
