You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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