she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
