my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
