I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
