Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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