Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I met the friendliest cop last night
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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