This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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