two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Randomize
