You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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