I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
