I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
