they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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