quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
