Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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