I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
