Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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