i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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