Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
