I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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