He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just blew my weed a kiss
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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