If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
