The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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