why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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