How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
