2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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