i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
