Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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