Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
