we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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