She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
