I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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